I woke up this morning in a good mood, as I generally do unless its before 9am. Rolled over, blew my noes (because its always stuffed or running in the morning) grabbed my phone and hopped on Instagram.
Yes I'm one of those people who get on Instagram first thing in the morning lol but don't judge me some people get up and flick on the news some people get up and scroll through Instagram. I like to think of Instagram as my news.
Anywho, all things were fine and well until I clicked on a "friends" page and started sifting through her pictures. Most were run of the mill selfies and pictures of meme's, but then I came across a picture from about 4 weeks ago of her at her college graduation. Under the picture was a heart felt post about how it has taken her so long to get here but she is so proud of herself and what she has accomplished.
And thats when it started. Immediately a rush of emotions came over me, which still at this very moment I can't sort out. It was just a jumble of anger, sadness, envy, defeat, longing, worthlessness....I mean the list could go on...
But why you ask?
Ok so what most of you don't know about me is that I never graduated college. *Sigh* and ya know I wish the story was just that simple and I could leave it at that but its not. So here is the short version...
In high school I never really had a huge urge to go to college, I mean I didn't mind going once my mom told me I had to but there was no super strong pull because I was not sure what I wanted to do other than some sort of makeup related things, so it didn't really matter, but in the end I wound up going. I went to one college and transferred out to another, when I got to my second I found what I really wanted to do (per say). I designed my own major in Cultural Marketing with a minor in Psychology, completed my major & minor and started working on credits that needed to be taken to replace the ones that didn't transfer.
Along the way finances became an issue I had to leave school and take online classes at home, finances became an issue again and I was unable to finish up my transfer credits and graduate. I however brushed it off because I had finished my major and ya know what "I never really wanted to go to college anyway"
But now some 3+ years later every time I see a cap & gown, people talking about its their last semester or someone graduating, I'm smacked in the face with these feelings and ultimately knocked off balance for the next couple of days....
and why is that?
Because of the bandaid effect.
Most people in their lives to deal with a disappointment, something they can't have or a traumatic event in their lives, one way or another find a loop hole in dealing with it. They convince themselves they are better off with out it, remove it from their lives, they say that they are ok and have moved on or simply "forget" about it. They put a bandaid over a wound and proclaim themselves "fixed" and presume that it is handled until the day a phrase, familiar face or they see a picture of a person having or doing what they never got the chance to and the bandaid is ripped off and all those feelings come rushing back.
And then you realize you were never "ok" or "fixed" in the first place. People who are ok and have moved past something don't get shaken up or bothered by the thing they are "over". When having to face that thing again they don't think about with such emotion for days after seeing it or someone else with it, they don't feel the need to talk about it or...well...blog about it.
Truth be told Im fine and don't think about school or how I can't graduate until I see someone graduating, out of sight out of mind but the second it comes up even in conversation I get uncomfortable trying to find ways out of talking about it unless its on my terms so clearly I was never fine. Inside I'm still not fulfilled in some way. I can't help but think of how much I have accomplished and that I'm actually done my major and minor but ill never get to say I graduated that I finished because of some damn transfer credits and some money. Ill always be less than everyone else who finished until thats resolved.
I may have put a bandaid over my feelings, but the issue is covered not gone...how long till the bandaid falls off?
I just wonder how many of us do this in our every days lives...instead of dealing with things, proclaim we are fine while still walking around with emotional scars and unfinished business. In talking with friends I've noticed women do it a lot =(
We really have to stop putting a bandaid on things...and actually work on healing hey but maybe what they say is true, realizing theres a problem is the first step.
Until Next Time
XO, Deanna
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