How I Almost Lost My Relationship at 8 Months Pregnant & The Lessons I Learned


Imagine your 8 month pregnant self waddling back and fourth to pack a bag...but its not your hospital bag.


Its your "I'm leaving bag" that was my reality about a week ago. Feeling lost, alone and at the end of my rope I was packing a bag to walk out of the home my boyfriend and I were creating for us and our soon to be child.

I'm sure just like us...you're asking, "what the hell Deanna?! How did you two get here"?

Well...heres the story



It was 2 days till the baby shower, 9:30 at night and we were about to run a last min errand at Target (of course). Just before leaving I posed a question to Papa Bean that I had seen on my Facebook timeline. 


What I thought would have been a fun "what would you do" moment (looking back it was a shitty question) that would prompt an easy answer from him and make me feel filled with love (as I had been feeling kinda low lately). Quickly turned into me crying uncontrollably and running out the room screaming.

Its safe to say he answered the question wrong (by my standards).

I was a mess. 

However my emotional state was not just because of his answer. If I was actually telling the truth about the matter, this breakdown had been a few weeks if not months in the making.

This pregnancy has had me stressed and although I was not outwardly showing it my internal situation was trash....TEEEEEE-RASH.

Everything was getting to me--from issues with my Dr (there will be a post about it), to pregnancy in general, stress from work, health worries, general "wtf am I doing having a baby" worries, black women and birthing worries, planning my own baby shower because I refuse for things to be done wrong, our relationship communication issues, him always being busy...sis I could really go on.

I had checked out, my body and brain had given up. 

I felt as if someone had walked over to a circuit breaker in my brain, looked at it and yelled "shut her down" then flipped the off switch.


As I cried on the bed I thought about how unhappy I was. 

In thinking everything over as I cried, i realized-- I had pulled back from my friends because I had been so drained. I felt like I couldn't keep up with expectations of friendship so i'd been pretty much talking to no one. I didn't feel loved from by my boyfriend, because he'd been so busy with work and extra circulars in recent times that I compared us to roommates instead of romantic partners and although I mentioned it often I felt like he didn't hear me. 

I felt alone. 

It was just me, all day every day.

Do you know how empty that is?

So after crying so much that I couldn't breath I finally got myself up off the floor...yes I had made it from the bed to the bathroom floor somehow. (Papa Bean was in there too sitting with me not saying a word) 

I got up and started packing my bag.

I noticed on my way out of the bathroom that Papa Bean looked different...I had never seen his face this way...never seen him that way really. But I didn't care...I was leaving.

As I tried to piece together in my mind what I needed to take, where I was going to go and still contemplating how all this happened. Papa Bean came out and asked me where I was going.

I didn't have an answer.

He wasn't going to let me leave...

I didn't know what to do...so I started crying again, asking him why he has been this way, why he looked like that, why did he answer the question the way he did...what the hell was going on?!

His answer...shocked me.

They were words I had never heard him say, emotions I had never heard him express.

And for the first time I realized that all those pregnancy emotions you get...your partner gets them too.

THE 5 MOST IMPORTANT LESSONS I LEARNED THAT NIGHT ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND US


1) Communication is so important 

I'd asked papa bean in passing before how he had been feeling, but to be honest I knew he had not been being 100% honest with me. I knew he'd been stressed from work and all his obligations but he'd never really opened up about it. Instead of being sensitive to it, checking in more and waiting for him to open up or even asking different questions to help him communicate better. I just left it, complained about my problems and went on. Which probably left him feeling just as bad as I did, filled with emotions and alone with his thoughts.



2) You must remain a team

In 5 short weeks (maybe sooner) all there will be is us and a baby, that neither of us have any clue how to take care of. If we don't remain a team before baby bean gets here we will surely crumble when she does. This is the time we need to be solidifying our foundation any way we can. 

We need to be cheering each other on, supporting each other, loving on each other and figuring out how this new normal will work for us.

I'm not a huge fan of basketball or football but he is...so I'm sure he will have some "how to be a team" tips or analogies for us to follow.


3) He may be your support but Super Man needs a little help sometimes

As much as women are looked at as the strongest humans on earth (always...and don't you forget it), men are looked to to carry all the weight of our emotions, needs, fears and often housework without question during pregnancy.

But sometimes, that man trying to comfort you, support you, pay the bills and meet your every need for almost 9 months straight. He may get tired and may need a little support and help too. 

We build up these ideas around men and how they should never crumble, how strong they are but at the end of the day they are humans just like we are.



4) You can't just check out

The moment you check out, is the moment you fail. 

Find a way to bring yourself back in, to the conversation, the argument, the relationship...whatever it is. Do your best to find your way back, had I left that night I have no idea where we would be. I don't know if I would have came back...


5) This is just the beginning

As much as I would like to believe that Papa Bean and I have so much history or experience together under our belt...this is truly the beginning of our story. 

The slate is essentially wiped clean once Baby Bean is here.

We have a whole new beginning and that...needs to be our focus in everything we do.

SO...

I share all this not to have y'all all up in our "family business" not to point blame in either direction and not to say that he or I were right in our actions or how we handled things.

But rather to let anyone who may be going through a similar situation know, that you are not alone. Your feelings are valid, it's not just pregnancy emotions and hormones...

pregnancy is HARD AS FUCK...but it's not impossible to get though things as long as you keep your heart open and instead of shutting down choose to fight through the fear of being vulnerable. 

PLEASE NOTE: people talk a lot about postpartum depression but depression during pregnancy is VERY REAL...please click HERE to find out more information on it. If you have any of these issues please contact a medical professional.

Because in the end, no matter what happens...that person you created that baby with is a partner for life and that baby will need both of you.

ALSO...huge lesson here his that INSTAGRAM IS A HIGHLIGHT REEL...don't let anyone have you out here thinking they are better than you or goals based off the small snippet of their lives they share.

Us bloggers are just like you, we are not perfect, we are not always happy, we don't have it all together. I hope that thought my IG and blog you all always get to see a little of my real life and find some comfort in the fact that I'm just like you and are inspired to handle things better than I do or are able to learn from my mistakes or experiences and are truly able to live your life pretty <3

Until Next Time,
XO Deanna


4 comments

  1. This is exactly my situation with my boyfriend. We are expecting our first child and I’m going through everything you described! Thank you for sharing, I needed this!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Postpartum depression is very real. Very very real. I had it during and a bit after my second pregnancy.
    This was such a great read.. I remember when I was pregnant with my first boy.. I was questioning if I could even do this motherhood thing!
    But tbh once the baby comes everything switches on and you're just doing it!

    And you're so right.. men also have a breakdown due to all of the pressures.. but don't like to express it too much..

    It's a whole lot! And as you said this is only the beginning!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. APRIL EDWARDS-MCGASKEYNovember 19, 2018 at 6:58 AM

    This time is full of emotions and feelings of being scared, alone and anxious. Even we as a married couple go through those same emotions. It's even worse when the baby gets here. Mother's are engrossed in their babies and Dad can feel left out when it comes to the baby and with spending alone time with the mother also. Communication is definitely key. Nobody can read your mind as to what is bothering you. Thank you for sharing and bless your new little family. Take it day by day... April IG: applemacg

    ReplyDelete
  4. Pregnancy is hard and just as you said as women we sometimes get the “I’m okay, just making sure you’re good” answers from our better halves and don’t probe, follow up, or even ask those open ended questions so that we can work things out and be in the same page. So yes COMMUNICATION is key. I appreciate you being so forthwith it’s inspiring.

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